


In Spite of Me

by FoxCollector



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin is a mess, Background Anakin/Padme, Cody thinks he's subtle, Cody thinks it's one-sided, M/M, Mutual Pining, Obi Wan is a bit of a tease, Obi-Wan has needs, author thinks about the Jedi code and this happens, background Plo Koon wandering by, because that's what I am I guess, but they want it to, look nothing really happens here, love that guy - Freeform, mostly - Freeform, mostly this is a thought exercise with minor dirty bits, uhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23578219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxCollector/pseuds/FoxCollector
Summary: Wherein Obi-Wan tries to give Anakin some advice, and realizes he should probably listen to himself every once in a while.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 6
Kudos: 173





	In Spite of Me

**Author's Note:**

> I spent way too long thinking about all this, and this is really just a giant thought exercise for another thing, much like the Cody bit I wrote before. 
> 
> Still, maybe I will stop being over-dramatic and let them get together. 
> 
> I just have a lot of feelings to work through I guess?
> 
> Hope you enjoy my wandering thought gathering!

The Force frequently manages to be both a blessing and a curse.

Obi-Wan is used to its presence, that feeling of connection - that intricate linking of himself to others, to his past and future, to the deepest parts of himself - that has become as natural as breathing.

There are times, however, when he is acutely aware of that connection as something outside of himself. That awareness tends to relate directly to what he’s around, he finds; some wandering thoughts or strong emotions that draw him out of himself. And most of the time, it's fine, he can pass it by. Occasionally, however, it grabs at him, pulling him in close enough to drown. At times like this, he almost wishes he didn’t have that connection.

Almost.

The Jedi temple has been a place of respite during the war. Or it used to be, before the Jedi brought the war back in their thoughts and in their dreams.

There are some areas where Obi-Wan can still find a moment of peace. The garden used to be one, but now he sees that his former Padawan has found his hiding place, and now the garden will probably never be peaceful again. He regrets that thought a bit, but it isn't exactly unfair.

When he brushes up against the mess of loud chaotic feeling that is Anakin and it feels like losing control, he wants to retreat inwards, away from their bond. He doesn’t like to lose control, not like this, and he doesn’t care to drown in someone else’s feelings when he has his own to worry about at the moment.

Obi-Wan is fairly sure Anakin has no idea how much he projects when he’s wrapped up in himself like this.

“What is it?” Obi-Wan asks, and he tries not to sound as overwhelmed as he suddenly feels.

Anakin pauses in his pacing, looks at him out of the corner of his eye before facing him. And Obi-Wan knows that look, that steady assessment of body language, looking for gaps. It’s a look he doesn’t like to be on the end of.

“It’s nothing, Master,” Anakin says after a moment.

Obi-Wan wants to put his head through a wall sometimes. That boy will be the death of him, he knows it.

“It isn’t nothing,” Obi-Wan says. He considers his next words carefully; Anakin has a tendency to become defensive and shut down when he feels someone is too close and he doesn’t want them to be. “Your stress is giving me stress.”

There’s a surge of annoyance and then regret radiating through the Force, and then Anakin sighs. “I just… I had a disagreement. With Senator Amidala, about a mission. And now she’s mad at me.”

Obi-Wan opens his mouth, something like _oh_ or _a lover’s quarrel_ on the tip of his tongue.

Anakin levels a finger at him. “Do not.”

Obi-Wan relents. It would only make Anakin angry right now, and that is the opposite of his intention.

“Have you explained your feelings on the matter?” He tries.

“She is aware of them,” Anakin says. He faces away from Obi-Wan, as though the trees in the temple garden make much better conversation.

They certainly make for better listeners, Obi-Wan can admit.

“That’s not the same thing,” Obi-Wan says.

Anakin glances back over his shoulder briefly.

Behind them, Plo Koon passes by, and Obi-Wan briefly registers his steady warmth. It’s a nice anchor against the swelling tide of Anakin’s feelings, and he follows it for a moment, getting his bearings.

There’s a way to frame this as friendly advice and not a lesson, and that’s what Obi-Wan wants, because Anakin has been a bit touchy about life lessons lately. Particularly when it comes to the things he thinks Obi-Wan should know nothing about.

“Just because she might know how you feel, doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to hear it,” Obi-Wan says. “After all, Senator Amidala is a woman of words.”

Anakin draws his shoulders back. “I suppose.”

“And… perhaps it might help _you_ to put your feelings into words,” Obi-Wan says.

Anakin turns to face him. “I don’t need help with that.”

_Sure_.

Obi-Wan sighs. He wants to say that projecting your feelings isn’t quite the same as speaking from the heart; that worry can sound like anger and concern can sound like condescension. Instead he says, “I mean, _name_ the feeling.”

Anakin’s eyebrows go up. “How is that supposed to help?”

“Why don’t you try it and tell me?” Obi-Wan says, a little flatly.

All at once, he’s tired of the emotional landmines. It makes him miss the earlier days when they could connect without the feeling of hiding pieces of themselves. Without the feelings of threat, of fear, of judgment hanging around the edges. And when did that start?

It makes something despairing and desperate curl up in his chest.

Regret, Loss.

He does his best to let them pass through without holding on. He can do this. He can work with this. But oh. Force, he misses Master Qui-Gon. He misses having someone to catch him when he falls, without that strange feeling of a bottomless chasm opening beneath him. He loves Anakin, he does. With everything he has and for all that he is, but it’s different from what he had with Qui-Gon. And he’s not always sure that’s a good thing.

Anakin cocks an eyebrow, and a very small smile breaks out.

Oh, good, so he’s managed to help. The chaotic mess tearing at the edges of his mind settles back into a lull, and he can feel his own thoughts relaxing in response.

“So I’m your test subject?” Anakin says. “This is a new teaching method.”

“Oh yes,” Obi-Wan says. “It was Master Qui-Gon’s favourite method, thought I’d try it out.” Not that Anakin is his Padawan anymore.

Anakin huffs a small laugh. “Maybe I should be glad I got stuck with you.”

It’s a comment that could be loaded to hurt, but there’s an underlying fondness that softens it, that lets Obi-Wan know Anakin means it in the best way possible. Anakin has always been bad at talking about his feelings.

Not for the first time, he thinks that it might be nice to hear what Anakin really means. It might be nice to hear the gratitude or the love in some way _more_ than the gentle barbs and jests.

He can really sympathize with Padmé there.

His comm beeps, and what was left of his momentary peace is cut open.

“General, the men are ready.” Commander Cody.

Obi-Wan isn’t sure what his face does, but if it matches the brief tumult of his mind – the impression of calm shattered with the reminder of war and blood and violence, the fondness for his commander, a simmering regret for all the things he can never do – well, he must look like an absolute madman. Perhaps like Anakin.

Anakin eyes him curiously.

Something must have shown. Or perhaps Anakin actually does pay attention to what he releases into the Force.

“Well, duty calls,” Obi-Wan says. “Give Senator Amidala my best. And try not to mess things up.”

“No promises. Try not to get yourself killed before I can get out there.” Anakin claps him on the shoulder.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. General Grievous would be terribly disappointed if I got myself killed on his droids,” Obi-Wan says.

Anakin snorts. Then, for the briefest of moments, he looks lost, and all he radiates is something undefined but strongly overlaid with regret and panic. He clenches his jaw. “Master.”

Obi-Wan fights the urge to prompt him. He has to let Anakin say these things at his own pace, or he won’t say them at all.

Anakin looks like he’s fighting himself internally for a moment. Then his face clears. “Maybe take your own advice.”

That makes Obi-Wan’s eyebrows go up. Strange way to say thank you, but this is Anakin. And so he’ll take it.

He wants to toss another barb back. He wants to pull Anakin into a hug. He wants to leave and never come back, disappear on some far away planet. Mandalore. Saleucami. Tatooine.

Instead, he grips Anakin’s shoulder, and smiles. “Let’s hope it’s good advice then. Until we meet again, my friend.”

And he leaves before he can regret it.

He thinks about it later, when he’s on the command deck of his ship, with Cody firm and steady at his side. 

Maybe he should take his own advice.

He tries to be open with his praise, the way Qui-Gon was always open with his. He tries to communicate his ideas clearly, and he tries to understand what his men are feeling –

And that’s not what Anakin means. Not at all.

It’s not what he meant either, when he said it.

Obi-Wan knows himself. He told Anakin to take a risk and open up. To stop hiding behind his feelings and admit them for what they are.

And Anakin is right. It’s advice he should listen to for himself.

He lets himself lean into Cody's calm determination and that burning heat that makes him want to arch his spine.

He wants to say something.

But there’s a disaster looming on the edge of his mind. He doesn’t know what it is, but he knows it’s going to ruin everything, and he hates that he doesn’t know - can't know. It makes him feel powerless. He tells himself, _if you can keep it all locked down, if you can be exactly what a Jedi should be, everything will work itself out._ But he should know better than that. He has no control over anything other than himself, and this is out of his hands.

It’s easy to tell himself that there will be time for him later, he just has to get through the next bit. That there’s nothing he really needs. Nothing he wants so badly it might undo him. He is a master negotiator, which really only means that he has almost convinced himself that it’s true. That the best terms are the ones where he sets himself aside for the foreseeable future.

But sometimes, he _wants_.

Sometimes he thinks to himself, _I could do with a good hard fuck_.

And sometimes he thinks, _I could do with someone to hold me right about now._

Those are moments of honesty, and he has gotten very good at pushing them away. At not admitting if and when they are attached to a particular person. It used to be Satine. Sometimes it still is. But he works hard to maintain a healthy distance between himself and the tiny needy thing curled in his chest. The part of himself he knows he needs to acknowledge and deny, if he has the strength.

But he’s found himself thinking the worst things at the most inopportune of moments.

It’s popped up when he’s crossed blades with Ventress. An _I’d let you wreck me_ slipping through the tense focus of battle.

And when Cad Bane knocked him and Quinlan Vos clear over the edge of a cliff, the one thing that sparked across his stunned mind was desire and the half-formed thought that _he could hold me down and take what he wanted_ (and the look Vos gave him told him he absolutely picked up on it, and now he’s going to have to avoid him for the rest of time).

And when he’s pressed tight to Cody in the heat of battle, he’s found his thoughts twisting _I’d trust you with my life_ into _I’d let you do anything to me._

It would help if he didn’t pick up such warmth from Cody.

There’s affection, bright and gentle.

Admiration, simmering below the surface.

Lust, burning hot and heady.

And.

Well, if he let himself, he could be consumed by it.

He _wants_ to be consumed by it.

When he lets himself, he thinks about the things he would let Cody do to him, and he _wants_.

He glances sideways at Cody, who is busy mapping out a route for their men.

Now is not the time to think about these things.

He chooses to blame Anakin for that, but really it all comes back to himself.

Cody looks up after a moment, one eyebrow raised. “General?”

Oh, yes. There was a question somewhere in there. He's not sure he likes the planet they are currently heading for.

Obi-Wan clears his throat. “The terrain isn’t exactly forgiving, but yes, it should allow for a successful surprise attack.” He eyes the mountainous land, wonders if maybe an aerial attack wouldn’t be better. No, most likely the mountain tops would restrict their movements too much. But perhaps –

“We could have a crew do a bombing run before we strike,” Cody says.

Obi-Wan feels a smile tugging at his lips. “You took the words right out of my mouth.”

Cody gives him a cocky half-smile, but his eyes dart briefly to Obi-Wan’s mouth in a movement that would be subtle to anyone else. But Obi-Wan has learned to recognize these little things. And sometimes, he can admit, he does like to tease his commander a bit.

And when he can see the tension between them building up almost to a breaking point, he takes the set of Cody’s shoulders and jaw and the intensity of his eyes to bed with him, and he lets his mind wander over what would happen if they could act. What it would be like to hit that breaking point.

He likes to think about the way Cody would shove him up against the holotable, and press their mouths together, making him eat his own words and swallow his own lust.

He likes to think about strong hands gripping his thighs and pushing him up to sit on the edge of the table, and pushing him open. Granted, he wouldn’t exactly want to do anything in front of their men, no matter how the fantasy might tell him otherwise.

But he wants Cody in his bed, and he wants to press him down and ride him for all he’s worth, and he wants – he _needs_ – Cody to hold him down and make him feel it. He wants to ache for days afterwards. He wants to feel Cody’s fingers on his skin in the heat of battle, a reminder of passion in the middle of violence. He wants the lingering burn when he’s in an endless council meeting to remind him that there’s more than just planning ways to die for the Republic.

He wants to feel Cody inside him and he wants to feel Cody’s arms around him keeping him warm, and he wants to drown in the heady, calm Force signature that is Cody.

And he knows Cody wants it too.

He knows he could have it. Even if only for one night. One sign from him and Cody would devour him.

But he also knows he isn’t strong enough to leave it at only one night. He can either resist entirely, or give in. There is no middle ground for this, it’s all or nothing (and something in the back of his mind whispers that _Sith deal in absolutes_ , and that same voice tells him to just let himself go).

He’s afraid that one night would break him, but he wants it so, so badly.

No. He's trying to be honest with himself.

If he's honest, it's not that he's afraid it would break him. That's just his favourite lie to help him sleep.

But it’s better than admitting that maybe he’s afraid that one night is all he’ll get.

That Cody won’t want him anymore, he’ll turn his back on Obi-Wan and break their connection. Or that Cody will die and leave him cold and empty with a memory that feels more like loss than anything else.

That would be worse.

He’s lost people before. Is becoming overly familiar with loss, and he knows somewhere deep down that he’s in for more.

He’s not sure how much he can take. Not sure how much he wants to add to what is already looking like a bottomless sadness, a future that stretches bleak and unforgiving out of sight.

How much is a momentary happiness worth?

Anakin would tell him it’s worth it, that he would regret not taking the chance, and that that regret would be the only thing keeping him cold and alone.

But this isn’t Anakin’s call, and in the end, Obi-Wan is going to have to make his own decision on the matter.

Loss.

Or regret.

He likes to think he’ll make the right call. But when has he ever been that lucky?


End file.
